My no good horrible very bad day
what do you do with a bad mood?
A few weeks ago, I had 'one of those days'.
It lasted a couple of days.
It wasn’t fun.
Nothing in particular had happened...it just seemed to be everything all at once.
It was everything and nothing.
In the midst of it all, I started to get very discouraged that I was in this place once again...feeling what I was feeling.
It looked and felt personal, this time.
I soon found myself scrounging around the recesses of my mind...cherry picking through my past...finding the threads and origins of this feeling that chafed like an uncomfortable second skin.
My mind methodically ticked off the same litany of grievances and shortcomings and pitiful circumstances.
It was the same every time; the hidden insecurities, vulnerabilities and slipped masks that seemed to point to a darker truth that was eager to play.
That’s when I saw her.
Me...as a young teen...feeling these big feelings...confused and scared and lost.
I called to mind the words that carried me through such days…
“Hold on, Lana.”
Back then, I held on.
I held on to those words and trusted.
It was a blind faith.
Faith that whatever I was feeling would pass.
Because it always did.
I just had to hold on.
Flash forward to a few weeks ago and once again I ponder the power of my feelings.
They seem so real and true and personal.
My inner dialogue wants to convince me, however, that this time it is real and true and personal.
A small part of me whispers back, “Don’t be fooled.”
My mind, in concert with my thoughts, fights me every step of the way, however.
With its one trick pony agenda, my mind makes an oh-so convincing case for the merits of my mood filtered through my custom-made homegrown personal thought machine...suddenly my whispered warning falls upon deaf ears.
My thoughts are drawn like magnets to every suspicious sore spot in my life as they make their case for real and true and personal.
Moving in perfect synchronicity; my mind plays connect the dots while my thoughts initiate a game of whack-a-mole within the context of my psyche. It’s a potent combination that seems to have the effect of adding to my misery.
How can this NOT be real?
How can this NOT be true?
How can this NOT be personal?
When teetering upon the precipice of heated emotions and overwhelming thought, it is always a good idea to take a step back, metaphorically (and sometimes literally).
Such feelings are a great 'tell' in the game of life.
They tell us to stop.
They tell us to recalibrate.
They tell us to question our thoughts.
They tell us to call to mind what we know to be true in our moments of clarity.
I call to mind what I know to be true, in this moment, and in all moments:
We are only ever experiencing Thought in the moment.
Big Thought. With a capital T.
(Thought as universal energy).
Little thought. With a small t.
(Also known as personal thought).
Personal thought weaves the story about why and how we are experiencing the feeling associated with big Thought (capital T).
Both come to us and through us.
But neither one IS us.
Both are experienced as feeling in the moment.
Both are a part of the human condition.
No matter the human.
No matter the condition.
Big Thought may appear with no rhyme or reason (eg. a mood suddenly comes over you).
Personal thought fills the void by creating the rhyme or reason for the Big Thought feeling.
Judgement is the domain of personal thought.
But, don't be fooled.
It is often an emperor with no clothes.
There is only ever energy moving through us and creating our experience...whether it be big energy Thought that manifests as moods in the moment or little personal thought that creates meaning from our moods.
Either way, each will pass, in time, and of their own volition...regardless of what our personal thoughts may be in the matter.
when you find yourself in your own no good horrible very bad day, please remember...
there is nothing wrong with you and nothing to fix.
You are simply experiencing the energy of thought (both big and little) in the moment.
It will pass.
It is part of the human design.
Welcome to the game of life.