where did the love go?

what to do when the honeymoon is over

Have you ever wondered how we can seemingly flip between moments of unconditional besotted adoration for our partners and moments of absolute bewilderment and annoyance with them?

It is as if someone flicked a switch and suddenly we see them differently...

or they see us differently...

or things just seem different.

How is it that we can move so flawlessly between absolute love and absolute dread?

What happens in the space between?

Perhaps we should begin at the beginning...

with the first blush of romance.

As with most people, the initial stages of courtship brings out the best.

In other words, we tend to show up as the best version of our selves.

We consciously present and engage as a fully formed true manifestation of our best selves, complete with our own consciously developed beliefs for and of relationships in general.

Floating on the euphoria of new love, 

we swim in a sea of high moods and open hearts.

Utter bliss.

But then, uh oh. 

The honeymoon begins to wane.

Our mood begins to waffle.

Our mind begins to wander.

Suddenly showing up as our highest self seems unfathomable.

And our partner?

Well...it goes without saying that,

those once charming idiosyncrasies now appear positively appalling!

We begin to think...

"What in the world happened to that lovin' feelin'?"

Well...our thinking happened.

Recall...in the beginning,

our whole world was consumed by thoughts for and about our partner.

We consciously showed up as our highest self.

We consciously engaged and committed to the health and success of our relationship.

As time went by, however, we got a tad bit comfortable and a lot more unconsciously engaged!

It's ungraciously akin to driving a car after years of practice. We no longer need to actively and consciously engage with every aspect of our driving; our muscle memory and subconscious mind takes over that task, for the most part.

In other words, our conscious minds are free to wander and engage in other thinking whilst driving.

Such is the case in relationships, as well.

Over time, our initial singular focus becomes more muted and our minds begin to engage in other things and other thinking.

As such, we tend to forget about "showing up" consciously and instead rely on old habits, learnings and deep seated beliefs that first developed in our formative years.

These types of beliefs reside in our subconscious mind and take over quite naturally when the conscious mind is otherwise engaged.

Suddenly we find ourselves reacting in ways that seem automatic and natural but would never be tolerated were we using our conscious elevated mind.


if we look closely, we realize that these automatic and natural reactions seem to echo and mirror the words and actions of, perhaps...our parents, or caregivers, or community, or culture when growing up.

In such a diminshed state of mind, we begin to fuss and fight and fret and fury over the most ridiculous things; spinning tale after tale of woe and worry seeking vindication and victory...rather than compassion and love.

So, what the heck do we do when we find ourselves in the midst of emotional relationship turmoil?

We call to mind the following sage advice:

"Wait until the dust settles."

As with any path, it is often difficult to see our way through when littered with dust.

So it is with relationships.

And so...we heed this advice by

Waiting until our mind clears. It will.

Waiting until our heart opens. It will.

Waiting until our mood lifts. It will.

When we allow ourselves the time and space to clear our mind, mood and heart,

we once again find ourselves inhabiting the highest version of our selves.

In such a state, we often find that our "problem" is no longer a problem at all.

If not, however, we find that we have a far greater chance of knowing what to do next.

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind." - Shakespeare

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lana Bastianutti