I seem to have a love hate relationship with patience.
On the one hand, I can exhibit endless patience;
allowing life to unfold as it will...
On the other hand,
I can easily and effortlessly exhibit the patience of a gnat!
In those moments, I become convinced that things or people...
family members (ahem)
are not moving fast enough for me.
In those moments, my patience is most heartily tested.
In fact, within my family we joke that the epitaph upon my tombstone shall read:
because it seems
that I am FOREVERWAITING for my family members to
get out the door!!!
And in those moments when I am waiting...and waiting...and waiting...
it seems abundantly clear that my circumstances (a.k.a. my family) are the cause of my feelings of impatience.
How could they not be?
I am the one
AT the door
AT the designated time...
watching with increasing dismay
stumble around aimlessly
disappear for extended stretches of time...
oblivious to the fact that we SAID we were going to leave
5 minutes AGO!!!
I can literally feel my breath seize
and my chest tighten
as I reanimate this
all too familiar scene.
It's not real.
And yet...it seems so very very real.
And it seems as if THEYare once againcausing my feelings of exasperation and impatience.
as much as I would LOVE a convenient excuse for my feelings...
I know better...
even though it appears as if they are responsible...
How could they be?
I am the one who recreated that scene
in my mind's eye
AND experienced the exact same feelings
as if it were happening in real time.
that little scene?
It wasn't real.
It existed only in my mind.
It wasn't based on any real in-the-moment live circumstances...
because my true real time circumstances are that I am sitting here on a beautiful Sunday afternoon typing these words.
I realize once again that
the feelings I experience,
are never caused by my circumstances -
whether real or imagined.
They areonly and always created from within.
Through my thinking.
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